Melking the Applause

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Melking the Applause

Post  Boz1964 on Sun Sep 09, 2018 6:44 am

'Melking' the Applause.

Do you believe in magic?

After today, I do.

I am not talking about the kind of magic that Paul Daniels used to pull Debbie Magee either.

I am talking about the magic of the FA Cup and its ability to transform ordinary common working people like postmen, bankers or shelf stackers into local Town folk-heroes for a few weeks in every footballing season.

Today - the magic wand of Merlin pointed at Tom Meechan, who transformed himself from non-league striker into Peter Crouching Tiger, Hidden Welsh Dragon.

His goal today was of the highest order, as he adjusted his body position in mid-air, following a cross from Corey Jenkins on the left- it had to be seen in real time to be believed.

It was the greatest physical transformation I have seen since the film An American Werewolf in London.

It was also the most spectacular bicycle kick seen since fellow Welshman Geraint Thomas took revenge on his closest rival in the closing stages of the Tour De France.

I sincerely hope the Boyz from the Noise caught it on their camera for home viewing.

Anyway, the away day had started well enough, after much begging Mrs Boz finally agreed to let me go to deepest, darkest Wiltshire to watch the Martyrs take on Melksham Town in the Emirates FA Cup First Round Qualifying Match.

The omens were there that it was to be a golden day, as having stopped at the traffic lights on Bethesda Street by the Catholic Church, an owner let his pet defecate four yellow dog logs right in the middle of the road in front of my car.

As they were not collected by the canine or its carefree owner- ( I can safely assume it was not a golden retriever) little was I to know that this version of Ollie the Octopus, was merely predicting the number of goals Merthyr Town would score against their opponents that afternoon.

After a sat nav tour around more country lanes and b-roads than a tractor-driving instructor, I eventually arrived at the potholed and rutted access road to the Oak-field Stadium.

By the end of that road that even Dick Turpin would have feared to cross, I was 'all shook up' more than Elvis Presley, who coincidentally I was shocked to discover was still alive and working in the local Melksham Fish Bar.

I was even more surprised to discover that immediately after that bone shaking entrance, once through the turnstiles there really was a football ground to die for ( I thought I had died or my suspension had at the very least).

A modern seventh wonder of the West Country footballing world.

A stadium that was constructed with a panoramic view of the surrounding countryside and more cows on display than John Constable's painting 'the haywain'.

'Hey Wayne' was also the call, as many of the Merthyr Town faithful had found their way around the bucolic shire in time for the 3pm kick-off.

They may as well have waited until 4.00 pm, because the real football didn't start until then - as the dour first half was a war of attrition between the much more physical Wiltshire outfit and their jaded near neighbours from across the Bristol Channel, who had only discovered that morning that whilst the Princess Diana bridge was closed, the Prince Charles bridge was open, so at least they didn't have to swim the Camilla Channel that separated the two to get to the game.

The first half was only marked by a special presentation for Captain Marble, Ashley Evans to commemorate his entry into the Guinness Book of Records in acknowledgement of his 1000th yellow card.

He has now officially been booked more times for Merthyr than comedian Owen Money.

As half time came and went, the impressive electronic stadium scoreboard recorded that the number of efforts by either side on target was less than a cross-eyed assassin.

The Home sides' tactics were working perfectly, as their back line snuffed out every Merthyr threat with ease - by fair means and foul- and even if they were under a bit of pressure, they still had experienced former Swindon Supermarine cage fighter and Chippenham Town Gnasher, Kent Kaupinnen, between the sticks to swallow up any attack.

With the Melkshire 5 sporting more tattoos than an episode of Prison Break- they looked like a side that would eat Merthyr strikers for breakfast.

But even the best laid plans of mice and men can come unstuck, and there was less than five minutes on the Bill Gates sponsored scoreboard, when new 'Windows' of opportunity opened up for the Away Side and of course it took a combination of the skill and quick legs of Speedy Gonzales Ian Traylor and the quality finishing of Pixie Kerry Morgan to cause the home side to crash and deconstruct.

A beautiful cross from the right flank, found Morgan unmarked at the far post and despite the frantic efforts of keeper Kaupinnen to get his hands out of the bars and scramble across to cover, it was too late and Merthyr were one- up.

Plan A of Melksham Manager, Keiran Baggs was now defunct and as Phil 'Old Sod' Mack succinctly put it - went into 'Melk Down'.

Perhaps it was Kaupinnen's Schmeichel-like attempt at keeping the ball out that did the damage- because he laid out four Melksham Town defenders with his star jump across the box- valiantly coughing up a Prosser fur ball as he went- as Chippenham reserves suddenly went all haywire- like the launch of Windows 95- losing their shape and composure, as the previously resolute Alcatraz defence now had multiple prison breaks to contend with.

It fell apart completely, when the hitherto excellent Melksham Town 5 (Warren Maidment) suddenly dislocated a tattoo in a challenge on Rock of Gibraltar-Jarrad Wright -and the writing was no longer on the defender but on the wall too for the Home Side.

This led to the Goal of the Season contender from Meechan and much glee from the Away Fans- as Meechan raced into their embrace to celebrate what was a spectacular finish from the striker that would have needed TWO cages to keep it out.

The only Merthyr player not to celebrate was returning forward, Owain Jones- mainly because he scores that kind of 'Worldy' before breakfast every morning.

As the Shire Wilted in the absence of Maidment, they lost their heads completely and a desperate two-footed challenge saw the Melksham 6 having to join his 'transfer - listed' central defensive partner for an early bath.

At that point, even the fearless Kaupinnen knew that they had bitten off more than he could chew and having been deafened by the Merthyr Noise drum for most of the game realised the game was up.

When Merthyr brought on substitute loanee striker Owain Jones- you just knew he would score against the ten men of Melkshambles.

Perhaps it is because he is at 'Nuneaton' but 'Tulio' from El Dorado was hungry for goals-and he was set up once again by the creative talent of Ian Traylor and finished with aplomb in the way all quality Spanish strikers do.

3-0 up and with time visibly ticking away on the 21st Century version of Kitman Barry Thomas, Melksham threw everything they had at Merthyr, the kitchen sink , churns and the milking stool, in the hope of an implausible comeback and try and find a 'whey' back into the game.

They got a little joy late on as a reward.

The Melksham Town real grass pitch was in excellent condition with only one fault - that of San Andreas running across the Pothole Drive End penalty area.

Whether someone in Wiltshire had ploughed in the wrong spot I don't know, but it led to an unusual bounce when the ball landed on it and one sliced clearance from the otherwise impeccable Adam Davies led to debutant South African Welsh Keeper, Steve Cann going down with an abdomen injury, as he stretched for the upward 'spring' of the ball.

It was a little disconcerting for the Away Fans, as a keeper injury is the only reason we have lost a match this season, and the grounded 'Leek-Bok' didn't seem to be responding to the smelling salts applied by female Physio Jane Price.

To the disappointment of 7 year old Merthyr mascot, Macsin Williams, clad in his green keeper's kit ( who fancied a game as last season he was the same height as the brilliant Ed Hewitson), Price had worked out that as he was on loan from Port Talbot, his sense of smell had gone and after performing on pitch surgery by taking a body part from our Vice Captain for the error and inserting Adam's Rib- goalie Cann was back kicking again.

To partisan cries from the Home crowd of 'get up you big girl' this time at least biblically speaking, they were not wrong.

The minor injury to the keeper must have knocked his confidence, as when faced with a free kick on the edge of his area, he asked advice from the versatile Jarrad Wright as to where he should initially line up his wall.

It would have been fine too, if the Merthyr defenders hadn't mistaken the cows in the field behind the stadium for an Afrikaans accent and 'Moooved' the wall too far to the left.

It left free kick taker John Davies with the ultimate FREE kick at the Merthyr goal.

3-1 and at least it gave one of the Melksham residents, who was outstanding in his field,
Mr Gummidge, something to crow about.

But Merthyr weren't finished just yet.

Cometh the hour , Cometh the Man, Cometh the Macron booted hero.

No sooner than the dizzy Melksham full- back had sat down on the touch line in protest (after Corey Jenkins had turned him inside and out more times than a tramps underpants), than the Welsh Usain Bolt set up the Merthyr Messi, Matthew Harris, to calmly place the ball through the bars of the caged keeper and into net for our most comfortable victory of the season.

Now some people describe football as a game of two halves (other than George Best, Paul Gascoigne and Tony Adams obviously) and today was such a classic example.

I had confidently predicted that the Wiltshire Side would run out of steam in the second half and that even a team sponsored by Railway Parts manufacturers Knorr-Bremse couldn't put the brakes on speedster Corey Jenkins.

In the end it a wonderful away win, capped by the momentous Tom Meechan goal with magical
F A Cup heroes all over the park for both Melksham & Merthyr Town.

Before the tattoos slide , the Melksham central defensive partnership was outstanding and deserve praise for shackling the Merthyr forwards.

A special mention must also go to youngster Joe Hunt who was outstanding all game and to my player of the season so far - the no-nonsense Kyle Patten, who plays every game as coolly as he wears his baseball cap.

And compliments to a very professional set of match officials, who I thought (unusually at our level) were excellent throughout the entire match.

Ending in a lovely sight watching the remaining Melksham Team players left on the pitch,
high fiving the young children as they left the pitch and even a wave off one of their substitute players when I left their car park.

Melksham have a fabulous stadium, a fine clubhouse, great players, volunteers and fans both human and bovine, which they should be very proud of.

This is the real magic of the F A Cup for me and something all non- league clubs should be proud of.

Money isn't everything although the prize money will do more good for struggling Merthyr than it would at a club with a Manager called Baggs.

Chippenham or Poole Town at home please in the next round.

There may be a drink in it for you too Sepp Blatter.

Boz




















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Boz1964

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Re: Melking the Applause

Post  Nubs on Sun Sep 09, 2018 9:18 am

Boz1964 wrote:
I sincerely hope the Boyz from the Noise caught it on their camera for home viewing.

Just for you Boz.

Nubs

https://youtu.be/o2NFzZmqR7Y?t=369
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Getting the Nub of the Green

Post  Boz1964 on Sun Sep 09, 2018 9:48 am

Thanks Nubs.

The kind of goal you want to see time and again.

Those people who weren't able to get to the game and survive the access road ( ie: Indiana Jones) can at least get to see the quality finish...If I was Meechan I would pin it to my Twitter Account.

Boz
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Re: Melking the Applause

Post  OWNES1 on Sun Sep 09, 2018 12:27 pm

Couldn't log on to the goal so will have to rely on your description. Plenty of Wurzel anictodotes. Big word there for you.

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Re: Melking the Applause

Post  OWNES1 on Sun Sep 09, 2018 12:32 pm

Just seen the goal, could have done with that flexibility yesterday as I was turned inside out by our neighbours.

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International Clearances.

Post  Boz1964 on Sun Sep 09, 2018 1:17 pm

Is that a West Country variation on the true spelling?....

If so please tell us the story.

Boz
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Re: Melking the Applause

Post  OWNES1 on Mon Sep 10, 2018 5:57 am

A very tired version, please correct. Obviously the word was too big for me and not for you.

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Re: Melking the Applause

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