Not at the Boat Races.

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Not at the Boat Races.

Post  Boz1964 on Sat Mar 25, 2017 2:33 pm

Not at the boat races.

If ISIS hit the headlines for the wrong reasons on a bridge this week, it was not the fault of today's visitors Cambridge City.

If there was any person likely to strike terror into the hearts of the Merthyr Town players, it was the size of their gargantuan number 5.

He was so huge that Midfielder Kyle Copp reached up and shook his kneecap instead of his hand by mistake in the initial line-up.

Dressed in light blue, he was camouflaged against the Electric Light Orchestra blue sky that hung above the Loadlok Stadium today.

Most of us fans thought he must be the product of stem cell research at Cambridge University or been raised on Genetically modified crops in East Anglia, as he was tall enough to hold a career in street lighting or rescuing cats from trees - such was the size of the defender.

I knew he was tall, when during the first Merthyr corner, he was scratching his shoulder, like Light Baloo, the Cambridge bear, on the top of the Away crossbar.

Now after last week's disappointing performance against Champions-elect Chippenham, Merthyr Town could have done with a lift, as we were struck a double blow, after hearing that poor Kayne McGlaggon was sidelined with a cheekbone fracture ( he also had a bitter blow- a Wiltshire el- blow that is) and that the Prossiah had been listed for an operation to have his beard surgically removed.

With less strikers available than those who ended the day at Orgreave Colliery (during the Miners Strike), Merthyr Town were lifted by the signing of free scoring Cwmbran Town Forward Joshua Bull.

And based on the dour performance of the first 40 or so first-half minutes even Merthyr substitute Bowen could see that they were desperately in need of a 'bit of bully'.

But the stubborn resistance of the Cambridge defence , which was built upon the rock of their number 5 Simon Klopps or Si Klopps for short (not that the word short was in the Cambridge English Dictionary) was shattered by the return of the previously banned Scott Barrow.

Less than two minutes before the break, Cambridge were rocked by a thumping free kick from our quality full back, which goalkeeper Dean Snedker got a strong hand to, but could not stop as the 'Tomahawk' Missile punctured his net for a Merthyr lead.

Aldo the Apache had claimed yet another scalp.

It was the only moment of quality in a first half that saw both sides giving away more possession to the opposition than a failed Catholic Exorcist.

Despite temperatures rising in the Spring sunshine, it was still freezing in the shade of the main stand.

It was so cold that Ken 'Readybrek' Bishop put on a second layer of clothing and Abergavenny stalwart, Gordon Awty leave his usual seat, to bask in the heat and solar gain of the Theatre End concrete concourse.

As cold blooded Awty, became Gordon the Gecko of Wall Street, all the Owners share values suddenly went up, as SuperGav decided to make a few tactical substitutions and bring off the industrious Kyle Copp- who had not previously taken any prisoners.

He looked a little disappointed to come off- which is always a sign of a good player- but he had softened the steel underbelly of the Away Team ready for the sucker punch to come.

To the surprise of the multitude of fans gathered in the stadium, on came the Prossiah, who is reputed to be awaiting surgery, suffering from back trouble.

Perfectly understandable as 'hanging' around for long periods is bound to have a detrimental affect on both your body and soul.

And trotting just behind him came a little white bull - a Tommy Steele Soldier ready for the
linesmans red rag of battle.

New signing Joshua Bull from Cwmbran Celtic to be precise- the much lauded free scoring striker to be an alternative 'Saviour' for our season.

And boy was it to be another inspired signing by the Management, as the Man of Gwent instantly repaid his reputed signing on fee of two (Gareth) Bales of Hay and a Twix, by cleverly drawing the Cambridge defence away to the left flank before sliding the ball to his new strike partner Ryan Prosser to score his third triple bullseye of goals (150 not out) to drive a nail into the heart of the Cambridge University Dean Manager Robbie Nightingale and wipe the 'chirpy' happy smile off the poor lads' face.

Or to put it another way , it was no longer full of Glee Son.

By the time Merthyr had added a third from the young debutant striker, it was no longer a laughing matter as the Cambridge footlights had well and truly been extinguished by young Josh.

In a week when Merthyr Town were desperate for a 'fox in the box' , we now have a new hero in the form of a Taurus.

And that is one Hell of a star sign.

His bull-hit was reminiscent of his long lost relative Steve of Wolverhampton Wanderers fame and in the 'umble' opinion of Boz will prove to be the first of many from this deadly duo.

Gone was the negative chanting of 'Sack the Board' to be replaced with 'Back the Beard' and 'Gore-on my son'.

By the time Merthyr had scored their fourth from the reinvigorated  Ian Traylor, the clever Valley youngster, was running 'rings' around the monster Cambridge 5, as the gargantuan defender went from bully to being bullied.

He became 'Josh's Giant', as he suddenly had him in pocket, as the Cwmbran Cwmbrain became Josh the Giant Killer.

Now having several enemy players to mark left him crying Fee Fi Foe, as he was forced to lower his head out of the clouds and then to completely ruin his day gave away a penalty to the dismay of his relegation threatened outfit.

The Bristol referee, Simon Wales ( he must be unbiased with THAT name) felt that the defender had his hands in an unnatural position and in view of the fact that his knuckles were dragging on the floor ( probably from having his hands on his cox and all that rowing) I tended to agree.

Merthyr gave the penalty duty to Ian Traylor to boost his recent slump in confidence and he promptly dispatched it for his second goal of the game and celebrated in true Traylor fashion with a salute to the crowd.

However, with that new 'Aaron Ramsey-Style' Mortar-board haircut, it has dispelled a Merthyr myth that Traylor really is unmarkable - as that 'seagull' spotted flying over Penydarren Park must have got him probably in the pre-match warm-up.

With a full 5-0 drubbing of the light blues today, a clean sheet for Tancs, Adam Davies, Aldo & Co, and play-off rivals- the Puritans of Banbury- floundering on a Summerfield in the River Avon, then SuperGav & Clarkie must have bigger grins than a Cheshire Cat on Nitrous Oxide.

With Olly Davies switching his Teflon Gloves for Evostik ones, Merthyr can sleep much easier tonight.

And a special Patton the back to makeshift defender Kyle today, from everyone of his teammates for filling in for the Big Mac on the field.

All except Bully that is.

You don't want a 'pat' on the back from him!.

And spare a thought for the poor Cambridge fans and team- their light blues are now heavy ones as they sat near the centre circle for a Phil Brown style Hull City lecture from their Manager.

As they followed the River Taff downstream of towards lowly Cardiff - they must have had a 'sinking' feeling that they were going down for certain.

I bet they wish they had signed a Bullard too this week.


Last edited by Boz1964 on Sun Mar 26, 2017 1:54 am; edited 1 time in total (Reason for editing : Alt Facts- reading the Imp Programme and correcting der management)

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Re: Not at the Boat Races.

Post  OWNES1 on Mon Mar 27, 2017 2:13 am

No mention of our captain in this report. Could there be a third party now in this bromance.


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Total Eclipse of the Half

Post  Boz1964 on Mon Mar 27, 2017 11:07 am

Nice one Ownes.

Hero worship takes many forms and Saturday there was more than one hero.

It was like the siege of Troy out there.

Besides he had his own 'golden' thread this weekend started by another Mann's Man.


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Re: Not at the Boat Races.

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