Hitchin for a game

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Hitchin for a game

Post  Boz1964 on Sun Jan 15, 2017 3:23 am

Hitchin for a Game

'Unbelievable Jeff' was the comment from Chris Kamara, when the Sky's Sports news desk found out from 'Cliffyboy in Bristol' that the game at Penydarren Park was off.

'Surely they have an all-weather pitch?' queried Jeff Stelling, with his question being echoed all around the Merthyr Valley and beyond.

Referee Wenceslas King ( No relation) had decided to postpone the game due to a fall of snow and the subsequent frozen pitch.

As he chomped down on his Gareth Southgate English FA sponsored Pizza Hut breakfast, he declared that 'it was deep pan, crisp and even' .

Ground Hoppers Christopher Dean and Jayne Torvill were extremely disappointed, as they had travelled all the way from Sarajevo for this game and the pitch looked playable to them.

They promptly redrew the lines of centre circle of the pitch with a figure 8, at the request of the Merthyr Chairman who wanted to prove to doubting Merthyr Fans,  that unlike the Apollo Moon Landings, this 8AM time of inspection was genuine and not a made- up event.

Desperate for a game after two seasons on the sidelines, Matthew 'the Merthyr Messi' Harris now injury free, walked onto the pitch with two upturned tennis racquets from the Macron Store on his feet, in an effort to persuade the referee that the pitch was playable .

It didn't help our cause that he fell over a penguin his Mother had bought him from the other'Merthyr Iceland' .

He may have got the 'Ten from Len ( Sankey in the Sky) ' but today, he would have to wait a little longer to reclaim that number shirt back.

However, Wenceslas would not be swayed, as reporter Phil Howells recorded in his notepad that 'the pitch was more frozen than a Disney Film and the ground so hard you couldn't even plant a Turnip' .

In the interest of balance ( think about it) Hitchin representative, Robert Matthew Van Winkle just pointed at the pitch , shrugged his shoulders and announced 'ice, ice, baby'

Hitchin star striker Rabbie Burns also agreed with the referee, that to play on that 3G pitch
(Now rechristened 3Grit) then you would have to be 'a mans a man for a that' and as one of Merthyr's Own Staff had gone missing on the snowy pitch an hour earlier,  it was way too risky.

Reports of finding a 'Smurf' were later denied by local free newspaper, the Merthyr Tydfil Times when later the Club found a frozen Captain Barry 'Oates' Thomas, standing up with his head poking through the two inches of snow, blue hand and six fingers bravely clutching the corner flag.

The paper continued to report that every effort was being made by Football Club Backers, the Austerity-hit Merthyr Tydfil Council to keep football in the Town , and that they had offered to hire to the Club, the Mayor's personal Snow Plough to clear the pitch.

No snowflake was left unturned, as the local Soccer AM , MP, MEP ( for now) and UN Council Member each pledged in their respective manifestos to encourage fossil- fuel extraction, if it would help bring forward the agenda for 'Global Warming' to ensure no future games would be cancelled.

But the FA official would not be swayed.

It prompted a torrent of 'Feckings'  from the Team Dugout * that had not been heard since the Christmas special of Mrs Browns Boys .

* Boz Note 1- For the more paranoid amongst us this is not to be misconstrued as a underhand campaign to rid the Club of any dissenters by the Prawn Cocktail Crisp Sandwich Brigade ( Credit the Penydarren Imp- good one Mal)

Poor old scapegoat Curtis McDonald got the blame and was sent off by the referee for a REALLY early bath, when the culprit was in fact a local golfer, who had retired to the bar for a 'bitter' or two.

The Roving Sheep and fellow ground hoppers, Gethin Jones and Glyn Garner were heard to say ...that's it...we are off to 'pastures new' as they headed for the M4 with all Roman roads leading to Aberbargoed and Cirencester respectively.

Now the cancellation of a football match that fans have been looking forward to all week, can have a FUNNY effect on people ( as you can read) and frustrations led to a Forum spat between a fictional character Roger Hargreaves and a local Tee-totaller, over a misunderstanding on the lack of footballing memorabilia on the Walls of Webley *
(Boz- note 2
'Imp -the voice of reason- and reliable fact checker didn't they * use to sponsor us and make ice- cream at one time?)

Crisp packets and beer mats became impromptu Forum weapons, as the two keyboard warriors, raged at one another, even though they both wanted the same thing.

As a comprise, I suggested to the Board that they should contact Gary Lineker and see if we can get some off his footballing crisp packets to adorn our Clubhouse Walls.

This proposal was not 'flavour of the Month' though.

They preferred Matthew Davies' suggestion that as there are to be 48 teams in the 2026 World Cup, that a budget should be set for Panini Football Stickers, as they should be able to cover the 'vanilla' ice walls of Webley's and beyond and grant funding should by then be secured.

Hopefully, a compromise will be reached so that John Charles on the existing beer mats can go back to being 'gentle giants' and not weapons of mass destruction.

But every cloud has a silver lining and whilst the postponement was to the detriment of Merthyr Town it was a boon to some others:-

No extra pressure was placed on the hard- working NHS Casualty Department at Prince Charles Hospital ( now staffed by extras from Holby City)...other than an extraction of a beer mat and golf tee from the nose of one anonymous man known only as  'Mr Injured'

The Welsh equivalent of Hugh Jackman and 50 or so of his friends cheered in Scotland, as they no longer had to miss a Home Match.

Attendances in all the football matches played yesterday (without a 'Hitch' )  in the Cynon Valley were up ( don't forget they are cold-blooded over there - isn't that right Hirwaunman?).

The Club shop recorded record sales of 'Polar' necks, ice lollies and tip-tops.

One unnamed Frome Town Punter won a fortune betting correctly and predicting that the Merthyr/Hitchin score line would be the scrabble scoreline of P-P.

However, early Sky Sports Reports suggest there  is to be a new FIFA enquiry team based in Qatar to be set up to investigate the claim.

Whilst bored old me had the options of continuing with my crocheting, watching live football in Snake Valley or taking my wife and Mother-in-Law-shopping.

As if I had any real choice in the matter - IF I want to go Away to Chippenham after the great thaw in March.

Now - as the American Owners of Manchester United would say - that's 'humor'.

Boz Note 3 : I am available for Children's parties and Christmas Cracker Jokes writing.

Let's hope the Club can take a leaf out of the Good Ol 'Scamp' days and get the 'Hovis' boy to cycle some Kevin Keegan perm hair dryers up to the pitch in readiness for the next home game after dark against Kings Lynn.

For all your sakes ( and my sanity).


Boz


Last edited by Boz1964 on Sun Jan 15, 2017 3:41 am; edited 1 time in total (Reason for editing : Frozen Keypad)
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Re: Hitchin for a game

Post  GordonTheGopher on Sun Jan 15, 2017 4:27 am

HaHa great read, Boz. Laughing Laughing
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Re: Hitchin for a game

Post  douggolfer on Sun Jan 15, 2017 5:33 am

He he love it nothing like a good chuckle on a wet Sunday morning

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Re: Hitchin for a game

Post  Merthyr Imp on Sun Jan 15, 2017 9:20 am

Boz1964 wrote:
Walls of Webley *
didn't they * use to sponsor us and make ice- cream at one time?

Don't forget the sausages.
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Banger City

Post  Boz1964 on Sun Jan 15, 2017 10:53 am

Are you sure Imp?

It is not like you to tell 'porkies'...

Boz
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Re: Hitchin for a game

Post  Merthyr Imp on Sun Jan 15, 2017 2:24 pm

All pie in the sky.
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Re: Hitchin for a game

Post  douggolfer on Mon Jan 16, 2017 6:42 am

Time to put this one to bed lads

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Re: Hitchin for a game

Post  Merthyr Imp on Mon Jan 16, 2017 10:09 am

Pigs in blankets.
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Re: Hitchin for a game

Post  OWNES1 on Mon Jan 16, 2017 11:33 am

Imagine the material you would have had if the game had been played.

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PP at PP

Post  Boz1964 on Mon Jan 16, 2017 12:02 pm

Welcome back to these Sceptred Isles Ownes.

As a regular 'proof'-reader of my comedy books, I would have thought by now that you would have realised that I live in my own World.

When has any of my match reports been either factual or been anything to do with the actual match?

On more than one occasion I have got the halftime score wrong.

Glad to see you back as G-g-g-ranville, Ken & Gordon have been missing your sweets.

Hope to see you at the Kings Lynn game.

Boz






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Re: Hitchin for a game

Post  GordonTheGopher on Mon Jan 16, 2017 12:21 pm

Ah, sweets Boz. Your two year old Cadbury Roses take some beating. Laughing
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Time for Celebrations

Post  Boz1964 on Mon Jan 16, 2017 1:20 pm

But at least they grow on you.

Boz
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