A Game of Neots & Crosses.

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A Game of Neots & Crosses.

Post  Boz1964 on Sat Dec 17, 2016 1:09 pm

A Game of Neots & Crosses

Any team that drives a third of the way across the Country to play a football match in a school mini-bus deserves my respect.

Any team that has to advertise on Twitter for a driver on the Eve of the match, not only deserves respect but also my admiration.

It is easy to want to play for a team that is firing on all cylinders at the top of a league, but much more difficult to motivate a side that is languishing in the relegation zone.

But these plucky youngsters did just that for 37 hard minutes before conceding to a wonder goal from the in-form Ian 'Vapour' Traylor.

Now normally I need around ten feet square to turn around my trailer, but this guy turned on a sixpence and invented a move that even the late great Johann Cruyff would have been proud of.

When a player enters the field of play a linesman usually checks the boots for sharp studs, I think today the footballing equivalent of 'Jake the Peg' had ten feet of his own, as he dazzled the resolute St Neots defence with a display of footwork that Fred Astaire would have been proud of, before beating their brilliant keeper with a curling shot.

The St Neots defence could not be blamed for this individual piece of skill,  as this run and finish was right from the Top Drawer of Richard Osman's desk - to leave the Away side pointless.

Up until then the Away Side defended as if their ride home depended on it.

The Old Saints were so desperate for players as they were down to the bare bones of St Neot himself.

They were so short that it looked if they had to field a lady player, whose tresses hung down like       a Pantene commercial, as the midfielderess, tried to dance his way along the far touch line like a scene reminiscent of Gregory's Girl.

If the first half an hour fell flat ( which is expected from a side in the Fens) it was down to our tactics of hitting the ball wide to our talented wingers, Traylor and Refell to deliver quality in swinging balls for the Prossiah to get his  'Crown of Thorns' to.

However, before the wonder goal from Traylor, our game-plan of Neots & 'crosses' wasn't working - mainly down to the performance of the tall Cambridgeshire Defence which 'Oused' class especially, the Eymesbury Giant pairing of Taylor Parr and Micky Hyem.

If the goal broke the resistance of the Away Side, it didn't show much, as their orange- clad keeper decided to put on a show of goalkeeping performance of the like, I have not seen at Penydarren Park since the halcyon days of 2008 when keeper 'Shrek' from Gloucester City last visited from his water 'Kingdom of Faraway'.

At first, I couldn't make out what kind of fruit he resembled in that Dutch Railway Tunnel painted kit...was it Mandarin...Orange...or Tangerine?

As he was a little on the portly side, I finally decided on 'Fatsuma'.

But what a player.

I'd like to say that the Charlie Adam of the goalkeeping World , single handedly saved St Neots from a thrashing but he was equally adept with both arms.

In fact, I wondered if his Mother or Father was descended from an octopus, as he made so many blocks, tip overs and saves that it left me in awe.

It wasn't that St Neots were bad, it was just that our fleet footed forwards were intent on putting on a display that the Home Fans could be proud of.

If he wasn't the son of a squid, then England goalkeeper Peter Shilton is missing a love child, as he dug out one certain goal from just under the bar better than any JCB digger.

It is astonishing the talent non-league players possess at this level and why more people don't watch this 'real' football, instead of the 'Plastic Premiership' is beyond me.

I couldn't decide if it was either the brilliance of the Saints defence that had limited us to one goal or Merthyr's reluctance to go in halftime 2-0 up, as that scoreline lead has proved unlucky for Town in recent weeks.

As the young referee blew for halftime and left the field with his twin linesmen, Merthyr defender McDonald asked politely to the officials  'Would you like me to carry that ball for you Sir?'.

It was a real Curtis-y call and complete contrast, after last week's bout of Tourette's.

With keeper Archer repelling everything that was fired at him, he kept the 'Saints Alive' until that is a cross from the right flank by a Merthyr player was met by the low- diving head of Kaynomite, with our Swansea salmon ending below 'Parr' for the second goal.

Not even Archer could keep that point blank header from crossing the line, leaving the St Neots Manager looking as happy as a HMP Birmingham Prison Guard who had just realised that all Christmas leave had just been cancelled.

The Imp programme listed the wonderfully named Nassim L'Ghoul amongst the substitutes
and I can only assume he was the Invisible Assistant Manager ( or reserve keeper- think about it) as I couldn't spot him which meant that one of our older generation fans must have been gutted, as he was forced to watch the actual game rather than concentrate on the goings-on in the technical area.

He kept muttering under his breath to himself 'How could they 'get back in their box' if their derrière was superglued to the bench?'

The Durham/Doha Exile who has been away for a while enquired if their female physio was related to ours....to which I replied ...it was on a 'Needs to know basis only'.

With Merthyr 2-0 up the Home Fans began to get nervous, whilst the Neots midfield and wingers started to relax, as they were been used to being behind for most of the season and suddenly created some great moves which probably deserved a goal for their efforts.

But this week both Tancs and Davies were on the same wavelength and weren't in any mood to concede, the was no 'Christmas Classic Comedy Repeat Performance' last week of Ollie & Stanley instead they turned into the 'Full Marx Brothers', claiming another clean sheet ( the defensive equivalent of scoring a goal) which I am sure Clarkie values more than anything else.

In a game of few bad challenges, it was great to see Merthyr end the game with a full compliment of players on the pitch, only once did I notice the 'Zoltan Hound of Dracula eyes' appear on Dog-of War Captain Marble shining out in the dark looking for revenge.

By the time that substitute Elliot Richards had added a third off the underside of the bar(despite the best efforts of Shilton Junior) Merthyr were home and dry.

Whilst last week's match referee was more of a spectacle, this week the Kidderminster referee did let the game flow, with the only criticism being that I thought he should have produced a yellow on the St Neots 10, for a toe-severing challenge that left poor Barrow with one less piggy.

As he limped off the field, our Swansea stalwart deserved his round of applause, for his talent is being recognised by other sides and he has become somewhat of a marked man.

In the last few weeks, it seems that no game goes by in which he doesn't catch an elbow, a late boot or a Swansea Road Kiss for his efforts- which whilst in itself is a tribute to his quality - it must cost a fortune in his house for plasters and packs of frozen peas every Sunday.

In the end, it was a relatively easy win and but for the heroics of keeper Archer our goals-for total would have increased by 5 or 6 .

On the other hand the Wigan Pie in the Sky was more troubled from the Neots attack than our Home Goal.

The Away side and Officials were both loudly applauded off the field in equal measure, by the sporting Merthyr fans in recognition of their valiant efforts only for St Neots to suddenly realise with horror that they had left the mini-bus cab meter running for the whole game.

Their efforts of going for broke would leave them broke.

Let's hope the 'Saints are Blessed' for the rest of the season and can perform a Christmas miracle of their own by staying up for another season.

To finish on a happy note and add a final X to this game of 'Neots Nought & Crosses'.

To quote the only 1970s Top of the Pops performer left that isn't in HMP Slade (Birmingham) Prison.

'Merry (X)-Mas Everybody'

Boz

santa


Last edited by Boz1964 on Sat Dec 17, 2016 1:21 pm; edited 1 time in total (Reason for editing : Typo as usual)
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Re: A Game of Neots & Crosses.

Post  Merthyr Imp on Sat Dec 17, 2016 1:48 pm

Boz1964 wrote:
The Imp programme listed the wonderfully named Nassim L'Ghoul amongst the substitutes

Boz, he was the long-haired fellow wearing the no. 7 shirt who you mentioned in your report (as did I in mine on the other thread).

I'm sorry, but you really must learn to listen to the announced changes from the teams listed in the programme (I've had occasion to mention this to you before) - after all, our no. 14 who scored wasn't Gavin Williams, was it?
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Imp-ortant Announcement

Post  Boz1964 on Sat Dec 17, 2016 1:56 pm

Sadly Imp,

My hearing isn't what it was so my comedy has to rely on your programme line-up or Twitter Feed.


I haven't read your report yet....which I will savour....but in any event....my reports are purely for entertainment value and the product of a warped mind.... not factual.

I leave the serious stuff to you Guys


Boz santa .

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Re: A Game of Neots & Crosses.

Post  Merthyr Imp on Sat Dec 17, 2016 2:11 pm

Sorry, Boz, it's just that I thought your references to the long-haired player could have had even more point to them if you'd known he was the L'Ghoulish one - 'more girlish than ghoulish', perhaps?

But I wouldn't attempt to write your script for you - it would me take me a week to write the kind of thing you do, and it still wouldn't be as entertaining.
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Imp-position

Post  Boz1964 on Sat Dec 17, 2016 3:32 pm

Thank you oh Lincoln One.

You have to remember that you possess a NORMAL mind.

I watch the football purely for the entertainment value and ergo we watch and write about two DIFFERENT games at the same time but on the same pitch.

My brief ( a bit of a Misdescription) is to regale tales of fiction to raise a smile on those unable to get to the game or just need cheering up.

My 'buzz' is hearing people tell me they laughed at this or that comment.

It is also a release or catharsis on my behalf.

Nothing more, nothing less.

Unlike Dragnet ....I am not interested in facts.

Boz santa


Last edited by Boz1964 on Sun Dec 18, 2016 3:15 am; edited 1 time in total (Reason for editing : Typo the Juggler)
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Re: A Game of Neots & Crosses.

Post  Merthyr Imp on Sat Dec 17, 2016 7:57 pm

Wasn't it Alan Durban who said if you want entertainment you should go and watch a bunch of clowns?

Mind you, with some teams...
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Ringside

Post  Boz1964 on Sun Dec 18, 2016 3:06 am

Life is one big Circus Imp, but the show doesn't last long....so I try and have some fun BEFORE they send in the clowns and my minutes silence at Penydarren Park.....Boz
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Re: A Game of Neots & Crosses.

Post  Likehemlo on Fri Feb 10, 2017 8:12 pm

Thanks for the posting.

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Feedback

Post  Boz1964 on Sat Feb 11, 2017 2:17 am

Glad to see it was 'liked'.

There are many more reports on different threads which follow a similar comedy theme.

Boz
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Re: A Game of Neots & Crosses.

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