A Right Royal Thrashing

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A Right Royal Thrashing

Post  Boz1964 on Sat Dec 10, 2016 1:08 pm

A Right Royal Thrashing

Before today, I thought Kings Langley was the name of a place in the Cult television series Game of Thrones, but apparently, it is a small village in Hertfordshire, located not far from Watford.

So small, that the entire village turned up in the smart looking MetCoach Mini-bus parked on the Japanese Knotweed hillock near the entrance gates.

Now, after our recent downturn in form, I was confident of three Home points, especially after I heard a whispered unsubstantiated rumour before the match, that a trio of the away lads had come for a Dom Joly Christmas weekend and to enjoy the famous Welsh hospitality in Cardiff and had been out on a 'Rooney' last night but had enjoyed their visit a little too much in the dance halls of the Capital.

Perhaps these 'Three Kings' weren't in a 'stable' condition, after becoming Clubber Langleys with 'Rocky' times ahead?.

Well there certainly wasn't much 'Fire or Ice' on display in this alternative Game of Thrones at Penydarren Park today - only rain - and lashings of it too.

With Merthyr lining up in a 4-3-3 formation against the Royalists, the side looked much more balanced than of late.

At the 'Hert' of the Langley defence there stood an Ivan Campo lookalike, who had a hairstyle that appeared to be constructed from fuzzy felt.

He was partnered in defence by a player who looked like he had borrowed the late Fidel Castro's football shorts and would be a difficult opponent for Ian 'Vapour' Traylor to get around the back of.

With Merthyr attacking the Theatre End on what was a greasy playing surface, it took little more than ten minutes to appear on the referee's civil service watch before the Martyrs had taken the lead.

It came with a perfectly floated diagonal ball from the left handle of Barrow and the workmanlike Prossiah loop headed the ball neatly over their sleeping Spanish keeper.

It was very nice of Xavi to slip into a Comas just for us Merthyr Fans.

Now the Holy Beard can be unplayable at any time of the year, but especially at Christmas, as the Prossiah seems to come alive then- almost as if he has been 'born again' and Penydarren Park is certainly no place to face 'crosses with a hangover'.

If the Away side hoped that they too might get a favour from beyond the clouds- they were completely wrong.

Instead of help from the Prophets above, it was the Welsh Water profits that were added to, as the rain turned torrential and began falling in Old Testament proportions.

Fortunately, the home 3G pitch does afford Merthyr a big advantage and whilst familiarity can breed contempt, we were boosted on the slippery surface by the return of the Prodigal Son - our First Man (on the team sheet ) Adam Davies.

With the Home Team having been supplied with wet weather tyre boots from our main sponsor Trade Centre Wales, Merthyr adapted to the skid patch better than the Kings.

Adam Davies himself intercepted a misplaced pass from the youngster playing in the black Thierry Henry gloves (that his Mother had bought him for Crimbo but allowed him to wear early) and slid the ball back across the Theatre End 'Royal Box' with the ball finding Kayne McLaggon in acres of space.

Even he was surprised at the time he had to pick his spot before Eraser-arse and Campo Plowrighted into him.

He had tied both bootlaces, read the Merthyr Express paper and done the crossword before they closed him down.

The Kings were 'all shook up' by the second goal and looked out of sorts.

It might have been the fact that their Village Team has not reached the dizzy heights of the Evo-Stik Premier League before or the altitude sickness from being over 1000 feet above sea level in the religious revival Town of the Hymn-alayas but the Away side found it hard to cope with the total football from the Valley Boys.

The threaded passing and total football from the likes of Ashley Evans, Jarrad Wright and Kayne McLaggon today was superb.

Time and again the ball was played perfectly to feet and must have been a real Christmas joy for the free running Traylor and Refell.

One such occasion in the first half should have brought about a penalty, when Keyon unlocked the defence and was tripped by a defender in the area .

Like Bambi on ice ( not to be confused with Adrian Needs in a Facebook challenge) he tried hard to stay on his feet to round the Spanish Main-keeper, but tilted off-kilter into the ground to appeals from the crowd.

Sadly, the Cheltenham Referee and Linesmen employed by GCHQ heard plenty but saw nothing.

Although overall the Whistleblower did 'Oakey', even if at  one stage he did seem to lose the plot producing an tic-tac-toe impression of John McCrirrick on the far touch line on the offending Langley defender who had lost his 'Dacorum' before granting him a  generous 'Royal Pardon'.

At this stage in proceedings, the English Kings were being run ragged by the Paupers from the Principality and it was only a matter of time before they got a third score.

It came at the double from Kaynomite, who has regained his goal scoring prowess this season.

The interval came with the home side comfortably ahead by 3-0 with Kings Langley offering little in attack.

The Away dressing room would not have been a happy grotto for the Kings, as they had not shown much 'Spartan' resistance in the monsoonal Merthyr weather.

But things were about to get much worse for the Magi Management, as their defence did their own impression of the 'Watford Gap' conceding another penalty after a foul in the area brought on by the dancing feet of our forwards.

The Prossiah brought a superb 'Juan-handed' save from keeper Comas to keep the scoreboard from overheating, as the Martyrs turned the screw.

For the tiny away fan entourage following Kings Langley ( the mini-bus driver and a local turnip supplier-Graham Taylor) there was very little Christmas cheer, as striker Hitchcock wasn't very thrilling and Jerry Amoo wasn't much 'herd' of either.

Goal 4 -came very late on with a dazzling run and finish from 'Vapour' Traylor, who never seems to run out of steam.

The Bennettorial Army were busy singing Christmas carols in their Nativity Outfits, as the last minute of the game on the tenth day of Christmas saw 'Five Goal' Rings around the ground, as substitute AbergaBENNY Watkins scored from close range to completely dethrone the Kings.

Some desperate defending kept the score down from the Away side with one lumped clearance striking the roof of the main stand so hard that it knocked all of the footballing memorabilia from the magnolia walls of Webley's - and that Ryan Giggs Love Spoon takes some dislodging.

It could and should have been six , as even the immaculate Prossiah was guilty of profligacy, as his late miss saw him trying to return his boots directly to Trade Centre Wales sponsor board.

It was a 'Stark' reminder of reality for the Hertfordshire lads who return home with a bloody nose from this Game of Thrones.

Let's hope they can show some 'bouncebackability' against some of our Play-Off rivals.

Next on the Christmas Menu after this stuffing is the visit of Chippenham Town.

We all know that Merthyr people love a right Royal Feast, but we would much prefer bagging some Chips.


Last edited by Boz1964 on Sun Dec 11, 2016 2:38 am; edited 1 time in total (Reason for editing : Typo yet again)

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Re: A Right Royal Thrashing

Post  GordonTheGopher on Sat Dec 10, 2016 2:01 pm

Love it. Smile

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Gord Bless

Post  Boz1964 on Sat Dec 10, 2016 3:17 pm

Glad it tickles your funny bone....let's hope others enjoy it too....Boz

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Re: A Right Royal Thrashing

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